That's my perogative as a woman, right? I can change stuff up anytime I please. Originally I thought I'd make this blog about quilting, crafting, my artistic side in general and leave my darker, introspective side elsewhere. Then I realized, that's just not me. I was lamenting to my sister not long ago that I wish I was one of those "life of the party" types who always had a joke at the ready. I don't know how else to put this, but she pretty much gave me the permission to be who I am by saying "that's just not your personality." She was so right. I've never wanted to be the center of attention. In fact, I have always been that person at a party you see squirreled away in a corner having a deep, meaningful conversation. I like learning about people, hearing their stories. Many people I meet open up to me almost immediately which can have its good and bad points.
Anyway, after this past week of sadness and the week prior to that being full of anxiety, I've decided it would behoove (love that word) me to be as real as I can be about where I'm at in life. Maybe in doing so will help me conquer some of the sadness and anxiety in a healthy way rather than stuffing my face.
I am trying desperately to keep on track with losing weight and getting fit. Unfortunately, I let life get in the way. I was gung-ho a couple of months ago after discovering that I had lost 6 pounds without even making an effort. Although, I would imagine helping my husband take care of his dying mother might have had something to do with the drop in poundage. When I mentioned my weight loss to my sister (same sister who should be a clinical psychologist if you ask me) she, again, handed me a bit of wisdom that took me through the next 12 pounds lost. Plain and simple she said: "Try to always make smart eating choices." Wow. There it is. And you know what? Everytime I went to put food in my mouth I put that very statement in front of me. I even enjoyed the occasional hunger pangs I felt. I was doing sooo good. So what happened?
The past 3 weeks I have become undone. First came the anxiety attached to my relationship with my mother. I love my mom and I don't doubt that she loves me. Problem is, she doesn't love me in the way that I need to be loved, she just can't do it. She's not interested in my life, never has been. She did what she had to do to get me to adulthood without ever really getting her hands dirty on the job. Her recent visit to me here in Vegas was like all the others since I've moved here. She flits in for a few minutes then gets antsy and has to leave. Gotta go gamble. Hey, at least I should be thankful that she found it in her busy schedule to spend any time at all with me. My husband was the one who pointed out how short fused I was before her arrival and then how sad and quiet I got after she left. She blew me up...again. Or is it that I allowed her to blow me up? Either way, I have to get a grip on this so I can continue with my goal of getting fit.
This past week was just plain sad. My sister's nephew by marriage was killed in a tragic accident; today is his funeral. He was only 24 years old. I had only met this handsome young man a few times since my sister married into their family, but his death hit me like a ton of bricks. Not only did I feel grief for him, but for his mother. I cannot fathom how a mother goes on after the death of her child. That's not to say that fathers don't get shattered by such a thing, but I believe there is a different connection, literally and spiritually, between a child and their mother. I pray to God every day that I won't ever have to experience this sort of thing because, in the end I'm a big wuss. God bless my sister's sister-in-law in her grief. God bless all of us mothers who have to live in constant fear that our children might leave this Earth ahead of us.
So I made a conviction to myself that this morning I would get up early, take a walk, swallow a few extra vitamin D's, and if the sun made an appearance today I would get out into it and soak up some happiness. So far so good. Life sucks sometimes, but I have to keep on keeping on.
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